The Beautiful Butterfly

Allow me to begin by saying that I am not always a barrel of monkeys and my world is not always this outrageous and endless cycle of insanity that this book may imply. I just rather enjoy writing about those tales of wild happenings and finding the humor in them all. I am on a regular occasion quite subdued and introspective. The following is a wonderful experience I had not long after the first visit from “the girlfriend”.
To say that the visit did not go well would be of mixed truth. We enjoyed dinner. We made homemade pizza and the two “love birds” piled the toppings of their choice on the culinary delight of which they were to share. We decided to watch a movie after dinner. Throughout the night I caught myself in limbo. I wanted to document the occasion, and yet, I was struggling with my handsome son turning down a road of eventual suffering. After all, whether together or split, a relationship can be painful, right? I took pictures. I relentlessly teased my son’s object of affection and she hung pretty well...I was pleasantly surprised. The evening was rocking along smoothly without sudden bursts of livid behavior to disembowel either of them. I did, however, notice things that gave me cause for concern. I became increasingly aware of an intimacy that I personally feel is not appropriate between young people of their age, and it absolutely broke my heart. At one point during the movie I had to get up and walk to my computer with my back to everyone. There I sat with tears streaming down my face as I fought every urge I had to “flip out” as my son so eloquently put it earlier that afternoon. I refused to play into the baited trap. At the end of the evening we took her home and I remained silent on the trip home. He made useless chit chat. I knew he felt my tension, but I didn’t feel I was in a proper state of mind to address my concerns with him.
I deliberately waited a few days before I spoke with him about that night. He had been to a work auction for his basketball team that evening and when he walked in it was apparent that we were in a place that we could talk alone. He was in a great mood, and I was in a great frame of mind for the conversation. So I had him sit down beside me and we talked…really talked. It was a two sided conversation about which I felt very good upon its completion. He rose from his seat, asked me to stand up, and proceeded to hug me as he said, “I love you, Mom.” I knew God had intervened, because Alex had kept me at arm’s length for a couple of months and he had initiated this hug. It was pure bliss. My little boy hugged me and I was on cloud nine as he left to go to bed.
As I prepared to lock things up for the night, I opened the front door to the most beautiful night. It was a crisp and yet comfortable temperature and it smelled like the transition from autumn to winter. The smell drew me out into the dark night, further and further until I stood in the middle of our yard gazing up at a most glorious display of twinkling stars. I always feel so close to God when I see the vastness of the beauty He has created. I just stood there noticing the silence. It was so unusual. No dogs were barking. No cars were passing. The wind was not blowing. It was just me and God standing there in each other’s presence. It always amazes me during those times how peaceful I feel. It truly passes my understanding. As I breathed in the cool air, I felt emotion creeping up from my toes, past my waist, and through my heart, causing it to skip a beat in that wonderful “flip flop” nature associated with complete wonderment. It traveled even further up, up, up, until it escaped my eyes forging a trail down my face in the form of glistening tears. They were happy tears, peaceful tears. I just whispered, “God, please talk to me.” What happened next was so wonderful! The gentlest breeze began to softly blow. “God, speak to me.” The wind rose in strength, enveloping me like the arms of the purest love. I looked up to the sky and whispered, “What do you want from me?” I waited. “God, what do you want from me?” His response, “Everything.” He spoke of the things with which I was struggling, and reminded me that He had all of those things under control, that I could stop spending so much time trying to figure them out. I dropped my head in shame, “But, God, I don’t know how to stop worrying about my children, they are the world to me.” Complete silence. I was about to open my mouth and speak again when I heard, “My son was the world to me, also.” Now, I’ve heard others speak of similar conversations with God, but it somehow felt more difficult for me to let go. “I’m not as strong as you are, Lord. I could never share my son the way you did. How do I stop worrying?” I looked toward Heaven, and there it was, a larger-than-life butterfly. The constellations were all in place. They had not miraculously changed location, but God had opened my eyes to the collective arrangement that formed a perfect butterfly. “Let me change you,” He said. “Let me mold you into what you need to be for your family.” I was overcome with emotion and the realization that I cannot even be what my family needs without God’s intervention.
As I stood there in continued amazement of the celestial butterfly, I envisioned myself as the fuzzy caterpillar that knows she is not living her ultimate existence. She knows there is more, a much more extraordinary being, but completely oblivious to the method of transformation. Through this time of insecurity, she feels an eventual pull toward a cocoon of change, allowing God’s hand to form her into a beautiful, fluttering jewel of the air. I was humbled by the realization that I am that which is akin to a worm. “I’m a worm,” I said somewhat defeated. He whispered again, “Let me transform you into a brilliant beauty, both inside and out.” At that moment I could think of nothing that I wanted more than just that. “Make me the mother that they need, God. Make me the wife that Chad needs. Transform me. Make me your masterpiece and daily rekindle my love for you and my passion for your plan for my life.”
I stood there in the yard, surrounded by the loveliest fragrance of a waning autumn, completely peaceful, hopeful, and full of anticipation. The stars seemed to shine brighter. The trees seemed to quietly applaud in celebration of my contentment. I stayed out there under the moonless night until a chill urged me into the house. I headed to my slumber with thoughts of that beautiful butterfly, and found myself to be excited about what God wants to do with me. I don’t know when. I don’t know how. What I do know is that God wants a more abundant life for me, and if I allow him, he will make me into something more beautiful than I could ever imagine, a mother whose children rise up and call her blessed. I’m looking forward to the transformation.