Anyone Up For Teen Chowder?

I have had a very difficult few months. I was sick for over three months, lost my singing voice for the majority of that time, my three year old dog, Joey (aka “my furry child”) was hit by a car and died, I hadn’t written in over a year…things were not going well for me. I think I’ve only been to church maybe five or six times on a Sunday morning during the past three months. I usually go on Wednesday nights to help with our middle school youth group, but I’ve been out more than I’ve been in church. That is very unusual for me. It has actually created another problem…detachment. I think that feels worse than the illness did. People make assumptions about why you’ve been gone. “She just needs to get back to Jesus.” “I never thought I would see the day that she quit being faithful.” “We need to pray for her. She’s getting away from God.” People can say the most hurtful things when they don’t know why you’ve been gone. My thought was, “Why would they know? It’s not like a single person asked me where I’d been.” People I thought were good friends even doubted that I really was ill. My sister-friend even told me to pull up my big girl panties and get over my stinkin’ thinkin’ when I tried to talk to her about what I was feeling. None of it helped with my feelings of detachment. Satan works so hard to separate us from our fellowship. I had gotten to a point where I began wondering if God knew where I was, or worse, He was finished with me.
Long story short, I was allowing Satan to win. As I sat in my seat Sunday morning and decided my usefulness was depleted. I wasn’t part of the worship team anymore and no one cared. I wasn’t the middle school youth leader anymore and no one cared. My heart was broken and no one cared. I was dying inside and no one cared. Sure, I love God. I talk to him daily. I read the word. I read my devotions. I have a relationship with God. I desperately want to sing again. I live for worship! I’m a girl who loves church. Loves people. Loves fellowship. Nevertheless, I was allowing Satan to wreak havoc on my mind!. He had convinced me that no one cared if I darkened the door of the place so what’s the point of ever coming back? I wouldn’t.
Let me say that it is very difficult to put this in writing. I wasn’t just having a pity party, I sincerely believed those things. Losing the dog was difficult, but losing my entire church family was about to kill me. I only share this with you to honestly explain where I was. I was in a painful place and completely heartbroken over it.

Insert dramatic turn of events here.
As for the title of this essay of babble, I know that parents of teenagers will instantly understand the meaning, but for those of you who still have little angels gazing lovingly at you on a daily basis, it references animals that eat their young. I know it’s terrible! I am usually a very loving and supportive mother…really! I just have to say in my defense that NO ONE tells you how difficult the business of parenting teenagers can be. If they were able to adequately portray the frustration that it can entail then the human race would be in danger of becoming extinct because no one would have children...not on purpose anyway! I love my children so much. I am just having a day where parenting is one of those things I’m not particularly enjoying at the moment. I’m still glad to be a parent. I’m just not feeling overjoyed to the extent that I want to do a silly leprechaun jig when I think about it.
My son and I have not been seeing eye to eye lately, mostly because he is 6’ tall and I am a mere 5’6”. Seriously, though, we don’t agree on things and it does not matter if I am talking until I am blue in the face, he is never going to acknowledge my supreme correctness of, well, anything! WHY wasn’t I nicer to my mother?!? Dad swears that he is hearing a lot more than I think he is, but my response to that is, I don’t care. I want him to act how I want him to, when I want him to, with the level of passion with which I want him to do whatever it may be that I want him to do! I may have issues regarding control…the jury is still out.
Today was a particularly difficult day. My son and I had had one of “those” talks on the way to school that made me 30 minutes late for work. I remember driving to work thinking, “Everything I’m dealing with and now this!” I talked to my husband for a few minutes on my way to work, but worried most of the way. Five minutes after I got to work, my cell phone buzzed with a message from the hubster. It quoted Psalms 56:8. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” …and immediately following that, another message that read, “What strikes me so much about this word is that if He counts every tear of mine, then how precious is my blood to him? My livelihood? My needs? God is Great!” That made me smile.
A few hours later, I was trying to parent, of all ways, via text message. I only have a few breaks at work and they are very short so I didn’t want to engage in a long conversation so I was using the “textversation” he had initiated. It literally left me trembling with what I assume was something akin to an anxiety attack. I was annoyed with myself for allowing it to upset me so badly. The phone vibrated with what I thought was a response from him. It was a message from a friend that read, “We cannot rely on our own feelings. We have to rely on God.” As I read it the trembling subsided but the whole ordeal was still in my mind, eating at me.
Later in the day, I called my dad after a feeble attempt at a “textersation”…we both have too much to say to text! As we ended our conversation, the trembling returned, and again, my phone buzzed. Another message from another friend, one I haven’t seen in years. “No real reason for the post... Just thinking of you this afternoon!” Now, I’m one of those people who believes you don’t just randomly think about people. God puts people on your heart. Again, the trembling waned.
School rocked along and the final bell rang, I did my after school duty, and was able to leave after making up the 30 minutes I missed this morning. On the way home, I was thinking about my son, concerned, and what do you know, the phone rang again. This one was from one of my closest friends from my college years. “Don’t know why, but I’m thinking of you today and praying for you. I guess we can all use all the prayers we can get! Love ya!” I almost cried.
I walked into my quiet house, glanced at the computer and felt God impress up on me, “Write.” Having not written in over a year, I almost hesitated, but sat at the desk and began to type. Then I deleted everything I wrote. I started again and the words began to flow. After a few paragraphs it occurred to me why I was writing. It was not to gain some epiphany about parenting. It wasn’t to figure out the trouble I’ve had with detachment from my church family. The realization of how very much God loves me completely overwhelmed me and my eyes filled with tears. I am one person out of what Google says is 6,907,453,953 people on this planet. I had a fantastic day at work. I was just worried about one of my children who made some decisions I think are unhealthy. Nothing major. God saw me where I was emotionally. He saw that my heart was hurting for my baby and His heart felt it. He felt my physical reaction to stress, and HE cared. He used something as small as a cell phone and four little messages to remind me that He still cares about me, what I am facing no matter how small, and what my heart is feeling. Roughly 7 billion people and He felt compelled to fulfill my heart’s desire to know He will never stop loving me or taking care of my needs…all of my needs. Whether they be emotional, financial, physical, psychological, every single need that I have is covered by God.
So what about my son? I don’t know. God’s got it under control. What about church? There are a lot of people in that place with a lot bigger troubles that I have. He has them all under control, too. It will all work out. I’m gonna be just fine because God loves me. Oh! And incidentally, I wore my big sparkly heart ring today…probably just God showing off! :o)